So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
