Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
