Having a random hookup so left but love u
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
