I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
