In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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