as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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