Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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