so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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