Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Just high enough for therapy.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Randomize
