I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize