all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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