we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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