im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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