i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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