So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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