Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
