remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
