This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize