I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
