I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
