Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
