evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Just cropdusted the office
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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