so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
