can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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