Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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