literally had 100 drinks last night.
that's an acceptable place to lick
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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