if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
