Where is the hickey?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
