you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
