Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
