Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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