my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
