smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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