Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
