There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
