lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
