I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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