i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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