I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
