after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
