Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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