So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
