it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
