So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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