Kiss
Puke
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
