my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
