I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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