It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
