literally had 100 drinks last night.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
