Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
