Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
