Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
