I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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