i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We need a shit load of segways right now
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
