fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
