you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
