Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
