hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
