I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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