He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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