im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
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