On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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