I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
