I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
