Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
