We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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