I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
