She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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