Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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