I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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