I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize